In the process of leaving tucson. My little sister might die when I’m away. I was just lying in bed, wishing someone who loves me would be next to me stroking my head and telling without words that everything will be alright. If she had that maybe she would learn to love herself enough to end this. Stop poisoning herself and strangling her essence. I looked at a photo of her on the wall in my grandmothers house. So young but not clear of pain, I could see it even then. Her suffering, all of ours. and she’s so different now. Her eyes were glazed over and her mind was gone, stuck in an endless loop of pain,  frustration and hostility. She feels alone. I wonder what her hell must be like. More so I wonder what I can do. I have guilt, my grandma thinks that I’ve always hated her for some reason, I said you can believe whatever you want. I didn’t want to argue. I don’t hate her. We had arguments as children do. And our lives have turned in very different directions. I get the feeling she is envious, but more so in a way of wanting my approval, and feeling that she failed. (The system cheated her. Her family betrayed her, the ones who were supposed to protect her and love her. But they don’t know how). Because I cut people out of my life. Mark thinks I need to stop or I’ll always be alone. I cut of out my parents and actually all of my family except for two. Michael told me to listen to these songs when I can’t sleep, but it makes me feel confused and to miss him. But it gives me some warmth and joy to hear the care with which it was made. I can’t stop this feeling or the drops, just like that day when Mimi left. I’m glad she’s going to know about Taylor from another more complete vantage point than through her human eyes. I had the thought always growing up that I don’t want or need a family. Then today I saw two people walking elegant dogs, and was reminded of this conversation, about dogs being for families. My brother brought over the baby of a drug addict yesterday. Sofia. Her mom, and his girlfriend wouldn’t wake up, so her took the baby with him on his errands. This little girl..was adorable, and she made me feel identified and responsible, and I read her future. I want to find out her address and call cps, but he wont tell me. Too many people are passive, how can we look at these terrifying situations and do nothing? It is your place to do something if you see it, you can’t ignore it or forget it once you know. How can these people just have babies, without any thought, without commitment, completely selfishly. How can our society regulate everything we do in our lives but when it comes to making them, anyone at anytime with no reason at all can bring more into this place. My friend in Mexico asked me yesterday if I liked the security of my country. I said that it’s not safe here, I’ve never seen it or felt it that way. He wasn’t entirely surprised because he knows me but, it’s true. I don’t feel scared, it’s just that I know what happens around here, and the stories that don’t get any headlines. Anything is possible, good or bad.

I heard last night that those who live close to death make clearer and more compassionate decisions, I agree.