Being here is like being anywhere, I still deal with myself and the same tendencies I have. I feel, in a way, closer to all of the stuff that is well hidden in me.  As if Tucson helps me to hide a little.  Not sure, maybe it’s just a passing feeling.  I have been thinking about openness and closedness. In el Laberinto de la Soledad Octavio Paz talks about Mexicans being cerrados, closed or masked, mostly all the time except for under certain circumstances such as fiestas and a few other situations. He talks about it in a negative way, or that’s maybe how I’ve interpreted it, like they are not being honest to themselves or something. My interactions with people in mexico city thus far have let me feel significantly vulnerable and certain situations are a clear reflection of my openness not being a good quiality. For example, I think I can read people fairly well, but before I notice the negativity of an individual I have already given them something, and too much of it, whatever it is…maybe energy. My challenge while I’m here and anywhere, is to conserve that thing which is exchanged unconsciously, but not to stop it completely.  I think life is all about exchange, that’s all it is…but to be more selective of with whom I share. This is difficult, because I think I can identify with many people, even the ones who scare me. I possibly feel like I owe everyone something, or I can help them or befriend them, when that’s imposible. Maybe this is what it means to lose your innocence, I feel like I have to kill it, in order to survive. This is not the dominant way of thinking, and it puts me at a disadvantage to base my actions off of this openness.

When I brought that stranger to the house that is all about sharing, they were uncomfortable. I realized that I befriend people with very little descrimination, and I felt ashamed.  I’m didn’t become conscious of that responsibility, that of the things/people around me acting as a reflection of my identity, until I was surrounded by people who saw it that way.  More or less they only saw that small negative part that I over looked when I was with the individual, away from other eyes.  I’m still learning what to accept and what to over look and I still make mistakes. Luckily none of these errors have turned violent. I feel I’ve warned myself sufficiently now.